Remember When?
Imagine almost any situation where two or more people are gathered--wedding reception, callbacks for a play, two off-duty cops hanging out in a Jacuzzi. All these situations involve people trying to effectively communicate with each other. Conversation can be hard. It can be really difficult to come up with things to say, especially to new people, but I'm noticing that it's becoming increasingly difficult for people to speak in general.
Every time I talk to someone, I'm noticing this desperate scramble to fill the air between us, and apparently it doesn't matter what you say as long as there is no silence. Except that said unacceptable silence is being filled in the strangest way possible. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'm constantly hearing (and now seeing on Facebook and other social media) sentences beginning with "Remember when" and then followed by an anecdote of some kind.
Every time I talk to someone, I'm noticing this desperate scramble to fill the air between us, and apparently it doesn't matter what you say as long as there is no silence. Except that said unacceptable silence is being filled in the strangest way possible. I'm not sure where this came from, but I'm constantly hearing (and now seeing on Facebook and other social media) sentences beginning with "Remember when" and then followed by an anecdote of some kind.
"Remember when we saw that movie last night?"
"Remember when we had girls night a week ago? That was fun."
Why? Why is this a trend? Is it? Do other people do this or just the ones I've found myself surrounded by? If you can't come up with something to say, why is this what you fall back on?
Yes, I remember going to the movie with you yesterday. I was there, it was yesterday, and I'm not 900 years old. I can remember that. If the goal was to keep the conversation going, or to make things less awkward by filling the silence with some banal anecdote, well, you've failed.
There's nothing to talk about after you ask a question like this. What is the goal of asking someone a question like this?
You: "Remember when we went to the movie?"
Me: "Yes."
You: "..."
Me: "Oh, that was it?"
What did we accomplish with this? Because now all I'm thinking about is how to get out of this nonversation. Doing a passable job at talking isn't the same as having a conversation with someone, or truly connecting with anybody. We all have our off days, but "remember when" is not helping to convince me that the art of conversation is alive.
Silence isn't awkward. It can be uncomfortable, but not necessarily bad.
But rather than just criticize horrible conversations, I have a few general observations on what's happening and how to become a better conversationalist:
CONVERSATION TIP #1: NO FILTERING
Filtering, in general, is a process where you hold back to be sure the thing you're about to say is actually cool. Actively ignoring this allows you to say whatever is going on in your mind. Most normal people try to employ some kind of filter to suggest they are functioning members of society with self control (whatever that is). Additionally, we have the ability to actually filter everything we present to the world through technology. When we text, rather than talk, we have unlimited time to come up with the perfect smart, sassy comeback. When we post a photo, we can use filters to keep us from looking real and present our lives as some sort of ideal.
When you whip out something like "remember when" you're filtering. Stop it. Don't do that. No one is going to be thinking about how cool your comment just sounded because they're too worried about sounding cool to you. So why bother? And frankly, there aren't many interesting anecdotes to follow up the "remember when?" trend, so what is the point if you're not even going to say anything of substance?
CONVERSATION TIP #2: TALKING TAKES TIME
Texting is quick. Twitter only allows 140 characters. Language takes a hit because of social media. We don't have the time or space to convey complete thoughts. When you sit down to talk to someone, you do have the time. You should convey complete thoughts and form complete sentences. Think through what you want to say before you say it. Actively listen to the other person. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say and pay attention to the visual cues they are providing. DO NOT be on your phone when you are with someone in person. First, it's rude. Second, you have the chance to find out more about them by watching them. The look in their eyes or the way their body shifts or changes when they say something, or talk about someone. These things are important. They matter. That person matters and if you take the time to see them, actually see them. Be genuinely interested, not only will it flatter the person you're with, you may learn something about them, but certainly about yourself.
When you "remember when" someone, it makes you sound insanely narcissistic. We can't continue talking about what we were talking about because now we have to shift our attention back to a time you did something you think is more worthy of our efforts. "Remember when we worked on that adult project and now we're doing this thing for kids?" one person said to another person in a room full of people who were talking and not involved in their project. Congratulations. You guys see each other on the weekend. Hurray, you do other things. Why?!
CONVERSATION TIP #3: ASK FOR STORIES
Remember when I started this article because a bunch of my friends pose "remember when" questions with no real substance and it serves no purpose other than to frustrate me? The only answer you just gave was "yes." Yes, you remember that, and if we were having a real conversation it would be over. If you really want to talk to someone encourage them to tell you a story, rather than just give you a bland one word answer. I used to write name tags for people at my church group and sometimes people would come through that I'd seen before but had no idea what their name was, which is awful because I'm really really good with names. And when someone remembers everyone's name but yours you feel left out and crappy. So instead of ask people, "what's your name?" I started asking things like, "what does your name mean?" and "what would you like your name to mean?" and at some point while we were talking they'd say their actual name. Or I'd give them a nickname because they said something ridiculous. This can be done in a lot of different and clever ways. Rather than ask someone, "how was your weekend?" you can say, "what was the best part of your weekend."
And you do the same, when someone asks you a question. Resist the urge to follow the social norm of mirroring. This happens when we try to be polite, we directly address someone's question, we repeat their observations and body language in an attempt to put them at ease and get them to like us.
You: "It's a beautiful day!"
Me: "Yes, it is!"
I haven't added anything new or interesting, I've simply agreed with that person in a vain attempt to get them to keep talking to me. Be different, be bold! Don't filter or mirror, change it up. Be interesting! Absurdity is underrated!
You: "It's a beautiful day!"
Me: "In this dimension, yes."
You never know what people are going to think of you. It's one of those things that is outside of what we can control. And when it comes down to it, who cares what they think especially if they can't carry on a decent conversation.
Talking to people should be fun! It should be a chance for you to learn something new and to put new information out into the world. So "remember when" you read this piece and never say that again, but do try these things: no filtering, take your time, ask for stories, and see where it gets you. Don't hide from all awkward silences because the thing about hiding is, it keeps you completely alone.
There's nothing to talk about after you ask a question like this. What is the goal of asking someone a question like this?
You: "Remember when we went to the movie?"
Me: "Yes."
You: "..."
Me: "Oh, that was it?"
What did we accomplish with this? Because now all I'm thinking about is how to get out of this nonversation. Doing a passable job at talking isn't the same as having a conversation with someone, or truly connecting with anybody. We all have our off days, but "remember when" is not helping to convince me that the art of conversation is alive.
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| Photo credit |
But rather than just criticize horrible conversations, I have a few general observations on what's happening and how to become a better conversationalist:
CONVERSATION TIP #1: NO FILTERING
Filtering, in general, is a process where you hold back to be sure the thing you're about to say is actually cool. Actively ignoring this allows you to say whatever is going on in your mind. Most normal people try to employ some kind of filter to suggest they are functioning members of society with self control (whatever that is). Additionally, we have the ability to actually filter everything we present to the world through technology. When we text, rather than talk, we have unlimited time to come up with the perfect smart, sassy comeback. When we post a photo, we can use filters to keep us from looking real and present our lives as some sort of ideal.
When you whip out something like "remember when" you're filtering. Stop it. Don't do that. No one is going to be thinking about how cool your comment just sounded because they're too worried about sounding cool to you. So why bother? And frankly, there aren't many interesting anecdotes to follow up the "remember when?" trend, so what is the point if you're not even going to say anything of substance?
CONVERSATION TIP #2: TALKING TAKES TIME
Texting is quick. Twitter only allows 140 characters. Language takes a hit because of social media. We don't have the time or space to convey complete thoughts. When you sit down to talk to someone, you do have the time. You should convey complete thoughts and form complete sentences. Think through what you want to say before you say it. Actively listen to the other person. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say and pay attention to the visual cues they are providing. DO NOT be on your phone when you are with someone in person. First, it's rude. Second, you have the chance to find out more about them by watching them. The look in their eyes or the way their body shifts or changes when they say something, or talk about someone. These things are important. They matter. That person matters and if you take the time to see them, actually see them. Be genuinely interested, not only will it flatter the person you're with, you may learn something about them, but certainly about yourself.
When you "remember when" someone, it makes you sound insanely narcissistic. We can't continue talking about what we were talking about because now we have to shift our attention back to a time you did something you think is more worthy of our efforts. "Remember when we worked on that adult project and now we're doing this thing for kids?" one person said to another person in a room full of people who were talking and not involved in their project. Congratulations. You guys see each other on the weekend. Hurray, you do other things. Why?!
CONVERSATION TIP #3: ASK FOR STORIES
Remember when I started this article because a bunch of my friends pose "remember when" questions with no real substance and it serves no purpose other than to frustrate me? The only answer you just gave was "yes." Yes, you remember that, and if we were having a real conversation it would be over. If you really want to talk to someone encourage them to tell you a story, rather than just give you a bland one word answer. I used to write name tags for people at my church group and sometimes people would come through that I'd seen before but had no idea what their name was, which is awful because I'm really really good with names. And when someone remembers everyone's name but yours you feel left out and crappy. So instead of ask people, "what's your name?" I started asking things like, "what does your name mean?" and "what would you like your name to mean?" and at some point while we were talking they'd say their actual name. Or I'd give them a nickname because they said something ridiculous. This can be done in a lot of different and clever ways. Rather than ask someone, "how was your weekend?" you can say, "what was the best part of your weekend."
And you do the same, when someone asks you a question. Resist the urge to follow the social norm of mirroring. This happens when we try to be polite, we directly address someone's question, we repeat their observations and body language in an attempt to put them at ease and get them to like us.
You: "It's a beautiful day!"
Me: "Yes, it is!"
I haven't added anything new or interesting, I've simply agreed with that person in a vain attempt to get them to keep talking to me. Be different, be bold! Don't filter or mirror, change it up. Be interesting! Absurdity is underrated!
You: "It's a beautiful day!"
Me: "In this dimension, yes."
You never know what people are going to think of you. It's one of those things that is outside of what we can control. And when it comes down to it, who cares what they think especially if they can't carry on a decent conversation.
Talking to people should be fun! It should be a chance for you to learn something new and to put new information out into the world. So "remember when" you read this piece and never say that again, but do try these things: no filtering, take your time, ask for stories, and see where it gets you. Don't hide from all awkward silences because the thing about hiding is, it keeps you completely alone.
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