A Year Apart
Everything you read about relationships always tells you the worst thing you can do is stay together when you'll be long distance. It's literally the biggest DON'T when you're trying to date. I always said I'd never do long distance because it sounded awful and hard and it never seems to work in the end.
And then I meet Tim. And everything is perfect. OK not perfect, but it was amazing. I've never had this experience of being with someone who shared so many of my interests, made me feel like I was interesting and had important things to say and contribute. Tim made me feel special and beautiful, and we had a lot of fun together from the beginning. He was so sweet and concerned that I had fun, and I found him so fascinating. He would text me every morning and we would text all day and talk at night and never ran out of things to say. He completely swept me off my feet and I stopped second guessing myself and started to feel comfortable and at home.
But life doesn't move in slow motion, and not even 6 months in, we find out that his contract wasn't being renewed for the next year and he needed to find another job. Before I knew it, he had one and moved to Las Vegas. And all my resolve to never be in a long distance relationship was put to the test.
It's been one year of long distance today. We're still together, trying it long distance, and while I can't speak for Tim, I've learned a lot about myself. This is the first long term relationship I've had in a while and I'd forgotten what I'm like in a relationship, and while I'm older and more sure of myself in general, this has made me seriously look at the things I value and the person I want to be.
Before this happened, we'd worked pretty effortlessly at building trust between us. Not trust like "I trust you not to cheat on me." Trust that happened when Tim was there for me when for the first time in my life I dealt with some really scary anxiety and panic attacks, and when I got the chance to repay him and stick by him while he went through some issues of his own. Trust in opening up about past disappointments, hurts, regrets, who we truly are and being able and willing to share those parts of ourselves. But 6 months in wasn't enough time for us to have made any forever commitments, and this wasn't a decision we could make together. Tim had to do what he thought was best for him. And that was really hard for me to reconcile, because while his decision to leave had nothing to do with me, it also didn't include me. I learned early on that I want someone who wants to include me in their life. It's taken time to rebuild the trust we had before and honestly it isn't back to where it was because we've kept learning about each other while trying to navigate the distance and we have new trust. Different trust. It's not the same, and that's all right.
We still talk every day. He still texts me every morning and we text all day and talk on the drive home from work, or every evening even if only for a few minutes. When we use a video chat, I touch the screen where his face is and wish that we were just on the phone. I'm always glad to see his face, but I'm constantly reminded that there's nothing I can do for him from here and vice versa. When my dog died, I sobbed uncontrollably into the phone for hours and all I wanted was a hug and for him to pick a movie to distract me from how miserable I was. When he first moved, he'd been there for 24 hours and he totaled his car. A week later his grandfather died. I've never felt so helpless. I couldn't go pick him up, I couldn't drive him to work, I couldn't look him in the eyes and reassure him, and myself, that he would be fine. We talk every day on the phone, and it's not as good as talking in person or seeing each other whenever we want to. But it's a conversation I look forward to every day, no matter what happened that day or the kind of mood I'm in. I learned that I still rely on him for understanding, compassion, humor, insight. I wonder all the time if we'd be closer if he was still here, but I know that we have worked on developing our relationship even from far away. We push ourselves to be honest and encourage each other to be ourselves.
We do travel to see each other. We try to make our next plans before we leave each other so we know when the next time we'll meet will be. It's nice to have it to look forward to. We also realized early on that we can't plan our lives around this part of our relationship. I live here and he lives there and we both have responsibilities and things we do that can't and shouldn't be put on hold. I'd always rather be with him or have him here with me, but we try to plan things to do for when we are together. We go to different restaurants, or do Catholic things that are strange and new to me, we go to As You Wish and paint pottery we don't need. I like that we do things with the time we have. I learned with Tim that relationships are supposed to be fun, and I still have fun with him.
Reflecting on this last year, we've done a lot together. We went to Omaha for his best friend's wedding. We went to Spokane for Christmas and I met his parents. We celebrated our first year of dating by recreating our amazing first date. We worked on my first full length play, The Pledge, together. We've had good times and bad, just like if we were living in the same city. But what scared me at the beginning of this long distance adventure still scares me now: this situation is not in our control. There's no guarantee that he can get another job here in Phoenix so there's no end date we can look to and know we'll be back in the same place. And it's not all on him to make changes. While I'm willing to wholeheartedly be in a long distance relationship, I know what I want before I can uproot myself and follow him.
This whole thing may be a huge mistake, and will end in fire like every article you read predicts it will. But he still makes me happy and makes me want to be a better person. I'm nervous about what will happen if we ever do live in the same city again; at this point we've spent more time apart then together. But I'm hopeful that this thing we have is worth it.
Happy One Year (of long distance) Anniversary my Darling. I like the shit out of you.
And then I meet Tim. And everything is perfect. OK not perfect, but it was amazing. I've never had this experience of being with someone who shared so many of my interests, made me feel like I was interesting and had important things to say and contribute. Tim made me feel special and beautiful, and we had a lot of fun together from the beginning. He was so sweet and concerned that I had fun, and I found him so fascinating. He would text me every morning and we would text all day and talk at night and never ran out of things to say. He completely swept me off my feet and I stopped second guessing myself and started to feel comfortable and at home.
But life doesn't move in slow motion, and not even 6 months in, we find out that his contract wasn't being renewed for the next year and he needed to find another job. Before I knew it, he had one and moved to Las Vegas. And all my resolve to never be in a long distance relationship was put to the test.It's been one year of long distance today. We're still together, trying it long distance, and while I can't speak for Tim, I've learned a lot about myself. This is the first long term relationship I've had in a while and I'd forgotten what I'm like in a relationship, and while I'm older and more sure of myself in general, this has made me seriously look at the things I value and the person I want to be.
Before this happened, we'd worked pretty effortlessly at building trust between us. Not trust like "I trust you not to cheat on me." Trust that happened when Tim was there for me when for the first time in my life I dealt with some really scary anxiety and panic attacks, and when I got the chance to repay him and stick by him while he went through some issues of his own. Trust in opening up about past disappointments, hurts, regrets, who we truly are and being able and willing to share those parts of ourselves. But 6 months in wasn't enough time for us to have made any forever commitments, and this wasn't a decision we could make together. Tim had to do what he thought was best for him. And that was really hard for me to reconcile, because while his decision to leave had nothing to do with me, it also didn't include me. I learned early on that I want someone who wants to include me in their life. It's taken time to rebuild the trust we had before and honestly it isn't back to where it was because we've kept learning about each other while trying to navigate the distance and we have new trust. Different trust. It's not the same, and that's all right.
We still talk every day. He still texts me every morning and we text all day and talk on the drive home from work, or every evening even if only for a few minutes. When we use a video chat, I touch the screen where his face is and wish that we were just on the phone. I'm always glad to see his face, but I'm constantly reminded that there's nothing I can do for him from here and vice versa. When my dog died, I sobbed uncontrollably into the phone for hours and all I wanted was a hug and for him to pick a movie to distract me from how miserable I was. When he first moved, he'd been there for 24 hours and he totaled his car. A week later his grandfather died. I've never felt so helpless. I couldn't go pick him up, I couldn't drive him to work, I couldn't look him in the eyes and reassure him, and myself, that he would be fine. We talk every day on the phone, and it's not as good as talking in person or seeing each other whenever we want to. But it's a conversation I look forward to every day, no matter what happened that day or the kind of mood I'm in. I learned that I still rely on him for understanding, compassion, humor, insight. I wonder all the time if we'd be closer if he was still here, but I know that we have worked on developing our relationship even from far away. We push ourselves to be honest and encourage each other to be ourselves.
We do travel to see each other. We try to make our next plans before we leave each other so we know when the next time we'll meet will be. It's nice to have it to look forward to. We also realized early on that we can't plan our lives around this part of our relationship. I live here and he lives there and we both have responsibilities and things we do that can't and shouldn't be put on hold. I'd always rather be with him or have him here with me, but we try to plan things to do for when we are together. We go to different restaurants, or do Catholic things that are strange and new to me, we go to As You Wish and paint pottery we don't need. I like that we do things with the time we have. I learned with Tim that relationships are supposed to be fun, and I still have fun with him.
Reflecting on this last year, we've done a lot together. We went to Omaha for his best friend's wedding. We went to Spokane for Christmas and I met his parents. We celebrated our first year of dating by recreating our amazing first date. We worked on my first full length play, The Pledge, together. We've had good times and bad, just like if we were living in the same city. But what scared me at the beginning of this long distance adventure still scares me now: this situation is not in our control. There's no guarantee that he can get another job here in Phoenix so there's no end date we can look to and know we'll be back in the same place. And it's not all on him to make changes. While I'm willing to wholeheartedly be in a long distance relationship, I know what I want before I can uproot myself and follow him.This whole thing may be a huge mistake, and will end in fire like every article you read predicts it will. But he still makes me happy and makes me want to be a better person. I'm nervous about what will happen if we ever do live in the same city again; at this point we've spent more time apart then together. But I'm hopeful that this thing we have is worth it.
Happy One Year (of long distance) Anniversary my Darling. I like the shit out of you.
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