On Repeat

Ah quarantine. Nothing but free time. I can read new books and plays, keep trying to teach myself how to play the ukulele (my hands are just too small, it's not going to happen, but it's my dream so I won't give up!), and catch up on all the t.v. shows and movies everyone else is bingeing so we can have at least something to talk about. 

I've done a lot of reading, a lot of exercising, not as much ukulele, and I've watched the entire Avenger's series from start to finish about 4 times. And the four Avenger's movies on their own countless times among a few other favorites (we're getting into the holiday season which means I'll be watching Hocus Pocus and You've Got Mail, to name a few, a lot a lot). I just don't want to watch anything else, anything new. But I don't necessarily want to watch those either. After a while it gets old and while the first time maybe first two times it was fun because I'd forgotten so much. It was like watching the first Iron Man for the first time because it had been so long since I'd seen it. But at this point I know what happens in each one. And all of the dialogue. All. Of. It.

I read at some point during all of this that people with anxiety watch the same things over and over again because they know what's going to happen and that fact is comforting--there's no guess work or anticipation after you've experienced something a few (or more than a few) times.

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand--at least for me they do.

No matter how it ends, happy, sad, if it makes you angry or feel relieved, the emotional payoff is guaranteed because you've already felt it. When your emotions are out of whack it can be really therapeutic to watch something and I find old favorites to be especially helpful. 

I guess it makes sense because when you're taking a class or acting and you need to learn your lines the best way to learn something and remember it is to be repeatedly exposed to it. To use flashcards or try to memorize dialogue in chunks until you have the entire part memorized. By watching the same thing over and over again, you're exposing yourself to those feelings and making connections between that movie, or t.v. show or youtube video or whatever it is, and the fact that the world has order of some kind. Even though it's chaotic and messy in my head, the Avengers will always beat the bad guy and Chris Evans will always look so good doing it.

Feeling the desire to rewatch all of these movies from start to finish is just me looking for that validation and it's been a really easy form of self-care to give in and just watch the entire series over and over again. Browsing through the endless things on my list gives me no joy and really makes me feel even less productive, so I'll just settle for the same movies that I've loved for years. The old favorites will never let me down.