Leaving the Party.
One thing I've never been able to do, not one time in my entire life, is know when to leave the party. This is a key aspect of being a successful adult and I fail. I fail every time and will until the end of time. I have no sense of when to leave the party.
There are two ways to interpret that phrase. 1) I never know when to give up or quit something like a job, friendship, t.v. show, anything that's run its course. Or 2) I actually don't know when to leave an actual event. For the sake of clarity, I'll be talking about the second one.
When do you leave a party? The advice I've heard most often is to trust your instincts and common sense. Apparently, I am devoid of both. How embarrassing.
There are three options for leaving a party. Just like Goldilocks, you can either leave too early and be that guy, leave at the exact right time, or leave way to late and regret everything. I'm sure you can guess which I am.
Yes. Typically, it's 4 a.m. and I'm elbow-deep in soap suds, cleaning the good crystal. I stay to the bitter end. All my friend Morgan's parties end with the two of us taking our forks to the cakes long after our friends have left and her husband's gone to sleep. Amazing conversations have happened over those cakes.
But sometimes, you're just not feeling it and you need to employ the Irish exit or "ghost." Ghosting is when you leave a gathering without saying goodbye to anyone. You just go.
I love an Irish exit.
At certain events, this is a completely tacky and tasteless move. If you're at a more formal event, a wedding or baby shower, for example, you should find and thank your hosts. I can't even count how many times I've shocked my friends parents by thanking them for having me at their children's weddings. Etiquette is not dead, and there are certain situations in civilized society where you should definitely know what to do. Other invited events don't really call for this. I felt really awkward at my friend's Christmas party last year. It was for their theater company (of which I'm now a quite active participant, but at the time knew no one), so I went, found them and gave them their gift, got a drink and sat in the corner and stared at everyone like a serial killer. Their company gave them gifts so I watched and then everyone started dancing to "What Does the Fox Say" and I almost left my coat I was so desperate to get out of there.
And I've been doing it a lot more lately. Just picking up, leaving and not saying goodbye to anyone. It's really freeing. I don't have to wander around and spend another 30 minutes talking to people. I don't have to have any awkward moments where I wonder if I hug someone or more typically, if the person whom I've just met is going to try and hug me...
Ghosting is such an easy way to get out of all of that. And I love it.
Unfortunately, I have no stories of leaving the party at the exact right time because I don't do it. Sometimes, I'm unaware that I shouldn't even go to an event. Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I should go; somehow that hasn't clicked yet. The right time to leave always passes me by with no acknowledgment. It just sneaks up on me and then it's too late. The perfect time to leave has gone and I'm still there. And after a certain point, no good can come from staying. The conversations get weird and you just start to regret everything.
Or there was the time last Halloween when the two bad options collided. I didn't know anyone at my friend's party and it was awkward. I'd been there five minutes and I'd already called someone a douchebag. I knew I had to stay so I started drinking something someone made in a cauldron with dry ice, and had a few shots, and definitely did a traditional Irish exit aka I was too drunk to say goodbye to anyone as they were leaving (either that or I was really into singing "Call Me Maybe" into a remote and pretending it was a karaoke mike). Before I knew it, the party was over, I was the last one there, and I was facedown in my wig, on their couch, covered in fireball. Somehow, I managed to leave the party way too early, and stay to the very end.
There are two ways to interpret that phrase. 1) I never know when to give up or quit something like a job, friendship, t.v. show, anything that's run its course. Or 2) I actually don't know when to leave an actual event. For the sake of clarity, I'll be talking about the second one.
When do you leave a party? The advice I've heard most often is to trust your instincts and common sense. Apparently, I am devoid of both. How embarrassing.
There are three options for leaving a party. Just like Goldilocks, you can either leave too early and be that guy, leave at the exact right time, or leave way to late and regret everything. I'm sure you can guess which I am.
Yes. Typically, it's 4 a.m. and I'm elbow-deep in soap suds, cleaning the good crystal. I stay to the bitter end. All my friend Morgan's parties end with the two of us taking our forks to the cakes long after our friends have left and her husband's gone to sleep. Amazing conversations have happened over those cakes.
But sometimes, you're just not feeling it and you need to employ the Irish exit or "ghost." Ghosting is when you leave a gathering without saying goodbye to anyone. You just go.
I love an Irish exit.
At certain events, this is a completely tacky and tasteless move. If you're at a more formal event, a wedding or baby shower, for example, you should find and thank your hosts. I can't even count how many times I've shocked my friends parents by thanking them for having me at their children's weddings. Etiquette is not dead, and there are certain situations in civilized society where you should definitely know what to do. Other invited events don't really call for this. I felt really awkward at my friend's Christmas party last year. It was for their theater company (of which I'm now a quite active participant, but at the time knew no one), so I went, found them and gave them their gift, got a drink and sat in the corner and stared at everyone like a serial killer. Their company gave them gifts so I watched and then everyone started dancing to "What Does the Fox Say" and I almost left my coat I was so desperate to get out of there.
And I've been doing it a lot more lately. Just picking up, leaving and not saying goodbye to anyone. It's really freeing. I don't have to wander around and spend another 30 minutes talking to people. I don't have to have any awkward moments where I wonder if I hug someone or more typically, if the person whom I've just met is going to try and hug me...
Ghosting is such an easy way to get out of all of that. And I love it.
Unfortunately, I have no stories of leaving the party at the exact right time because I don't do it. Sometimes, I'm unaware that I shouldn't even go to an event. Just because I'm invited doesn't mean I should go; somehow that hasn't clicked yet. The right time to leave always passes me by with no acknowledgment. It just sneaks up on me and then it's too late. The perfect time to leave has gone and I'm still there. And after a certain point, no good can come from staying. The conversations get weird and you just start to regret everything.
Or there was the time last Halloween when the two bad options collided. I didn't know anyone at my friend's party and it was awkward. I'd been there five minutes and I'd already called someone a douchebag. I knew I had to stay so I started drinking something someone made in a cauldron with dry ice, and had a few shots, and definitely did a traditional Irish exit aka I was too drunk to say goodbye to anyone as they were leaving (either that or I was really into singing "Call Me Maybe" into a remote and pretending it was a karaoke mike). Before I knew it, the party was over, I was the last one there, and I was facedown in my wig, on their couch, covered in fireball. Somehow, I managed to leave the party way too early, and stay to the very end.
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