Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Holiday Movies
I love the whole Christmas season. I love hearing the same songs again and again. Drinking hot chocolate, red, green, silver, bells, pie, presents, Frosty, all of the things. I especially love holiday movies; they play constantly in my kitchen while I bake batch after batch of cookies, cheesecakes, and booze. Every Christmas movie has some kind of lesson so I thought I'd share a few takeaways from some of my favorites (this list is far from exhaustive).
1. Life is too short for "hellos." (Elf)
Nothing makes me laugh quite like when Buddy answers his fathers' professional work phone by saying, "Buddy the Elf what's your favorite color?" Every time a phone rings I want to answer it that way. Sometimes I do.
2. Uncles can be the worst. (Home Alone and Home Alone 2)
Seriously, Uncle Frank is such a jackass! Granted, no one should snoop on another person in the shower, but who calls an eight-year old a jerk?! My Mom would never have let either of my Uncles talk like that to me, but she also would have murdered me if I ever sassed them back in manner of Kevin McCallister. I think Frank's worse in Home Alone 2, but maybe that's because I knew he would be a dick going into that movie. I'm not sure. But then you remember his attempt at comforting: "If it makes you feel better, I forgot my reading glasses." Kids are not the same as reading glasses, sir (that could be lesson 2b).
3. Men in reindeer jumpers do not have an excuse to be rude. (Bridget Jones's Diary)
As far as I'm concerned, no one has any excuses to be rude in general, but just because your mother forces you to wear an ugly Christmas sweater to the party she throws for all of her friends, does not give you the right to be a tool. And he better make a huge change of pace before I run after him during a snowstorm in my underwear. Quick BJD tangent: rock those granny panties with pride! No shame in that game! Comfort will out!
I understand Bridget Jones's Diary isn't a traditional holiday movie, but it's Christmas. I gave myself a present. Plus, we're all a little Bridget Jones.
4. Speaking of...never dance with the devil at the Christmas party. (Love Actually)
Temptation is a real B. Learning to avoid situations that will only end in disaster and tears is a skill that a lot of people do not possess. But, as evidenced in this movie, if you're on a diet you don't eat out everyday. If you're a gambler you don't spend Sundays at Buffalo Wild Wings where the walls are covered in big screens. And you definitely don't want to dance with your hot secretary while she's dressed like a devil after telling you she's trying to get with you, all in front of your goddess wife. But if you hadn't, then we wouldn't have the most #bossassbitch way of confronting your cheating husband from the brilliant Emma Thompson:
Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do? Harry: What position is that? Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else. Harry: Oh, Karen. Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it’s just a necklace, or if it’s sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it’s a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run? Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool. Karen: Yes, but you’ve also made a fool out of me, and you’ve made the life I lead foolish, too.
Sob. Also, I can't call her Karen. I have to call her Emma Thompson. Like...I have to. Can we also just acknowledge how hot Andrew Lincoln has always been? Long before The Walking Dead? It's probably not a life lesson, but I'm not convinced of that...
5. Take opportunities when they come to you. (The Holiday)
Any opportunity, not just when Jude Law knocks on the door in the middle of the night (although I fully endorse taking that opportunity). Go to England. Eat carbs! Stand up for yourself. Make new friends. Respect your elders. Take risks in love. Fall for the guy with the great personality. Don't be friends with your ex! Let Jude Law love you.
Corny is everything and KATE WINSLET IS QUEEN!
6. Keep the fire extinguisher near/in the kitchen. (The Santa Clause)
Ignoring the incredibly 90s gender trope that single men can't cook, this is still good advice. And yet, year after year, I will inevitably be rushing and not read the packaging and line a cookie sheet (or 5) with wax paper, not parchment paper. Twice. Smoke rolls around when the flames get really big.
7. Christmas will always come, no matter what. (Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
Even after the Grinch steals everyone's Christmas stuff, their food, their presents, their decorations, and he waits to hear the sounds of sadness all he hears is lovely Christmas singing! Because Christmas is a feeling and it will always come if you have it in your heart. That's right Mom! We never believed your empty threats! Material things don't matter compared to the time you spend with people you care about. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Also. Your shoes must be on point to avoid becoming a Grinch. I'm pretty sure that's what got him in the first place.
It could be perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
The most likely reason of all...may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Agree to disagree.
8. Sometimes, believing in something means you just believe it. AKA do not be a Neil, Walter, Hero Boy, Grinch, etc.
Don't put yourself through all of that! Sometimes, the most real things in the life are the things we can't see. So stop being such a Scrooge and have a Merry Christmas! Eat the cookies, sing along to the songs, talk to your parents and grandparents about their childhood Christmases before you can't anymore, get swept up in the feeling of it all!
1. Life is too short for "hellos." (Elf)
Nothing makes me laugh quite like when Buddy answers his fathers' professional work phone by saying, "Buddy the Elf what's your favorite color?" Every time a phone rings I want to answer it that way. Sometimes I do.
2. Uncles can be the worst. (Home Alone and Home Alone 2)
Seriously, Uncle Frank is such a jackass! Granted, no one should snoop on another person in the shower, but who calls an eight-year old a jerk?! My Mom would never have let either of my Uncles talk like that to me, but she also would have murdered me if I ever sassed them back in manner of Kevin McCallister. I think Frank's worse in Home Alone 2, but maybe that's because I knew he would be a dick going into that movie. I'm not sure. But then you remember his attempt at comforting: "If it makes you feel better, I forgot my reading glasses." Kids are not the same as reading glasses, sir (that could be lesson 2b).
3. Men in reindeer jumpers do not have an excuse to be rude. (Bridget Jones's Diary)
As far as I'm concerned, no one has any excuses to be rude in general, but just because your mother forces you to wear an ugly Christmas sweater to the party she throws for all of her friends, does not give you the right to be a tool. And he better make a huge change of pace before I run after him during a snowstorm in my underwear. Quick BJD tangent: rock those granny panties with pride! No shame in that game! Comfort will out!
I understand Bridget Jones's Diary isn't a traditional holiday movie, but it's Christmas. I gave myself a present. Plus, we're all a little Bridget Jones.
4. Speaking of...never dance with the devil at the Christmas party. (Love Actually)
Karen: Tell me, if you were in my position, what would you do? Harry: What position is that? Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else. Harry: Oh, Karen. Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it’s just a necklace, or if it’s sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it’s a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run? Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool. Karen: Yes, but you’ve also made a fool out of me, and you’ve made the life I lead foolish, too.
Sob. Also, I can't call her Karen. I have to call her Emma Thompson. Like...I have to. Can we also just acknowledge how hot Andrew Lincoln has always been? Long before The Walking Dead? It's probably not a life lesson, but I'm not convinced of that...
 |
| Stop it, Andrew. Just stop it. |
5. Take opportunities when they come to you. (The Holiday)
Any opportunity, not just when Jude Law knocks on the door in the middle of the night (although I fully endorse taking that opportunity). Go to England. Eat carbs! Stand up for yourself. Make new friends. Respect your elders. Take risks in love. Fall for the guy with the great personality. Don't be friends with your ex! Let Jude Law love you.
Corny is everything and KATE WINSLET IS QUEEN!
6. Keep the fire extinguisher near/in the kitchen. (The Santa Clause)
Ignoring the incredibly 90s gender trope that single men can't cook, this is still good advice. And yet, year after year, I will inevitably be rushing and not read the packaging and line a cookie sheet (or 5) with wax paper, not parchment paper. Twice. Smoke rolls around when the flames get really big.
7. Christmas will always come, no matter what. (Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
Even after the Grinch steals everyone's Christmas stuff, their food, their presents, their decorations, and he waits to hear the sounds of sadness all he hears is lovely Christmas singing! Because Christmas is a feeling and it will always come if you have it in your heart. That's right Mom! We never believed your empty threats! Material things don't matter compared to the time you spend with people you care about. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Also. Your shoes must be on point to avoid becoming a Grinch. I'm pretty sure that's what got him in the first place.
It could be perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
The most likely reason of all...may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Agree to disagree.
8. Sometimes, believing in something means you just believe it. AKA do not be a Neil, Walter, Hero Boy, Grinch, etc.
Don't put yourself through all of that! Sometimes, the most real things in the life are the things we can't see. So stop being such a Scrooge and have a Merry Christmas! Eat the cookies, sing along to the songs, talk to your parents and grandparents about their childhood Christmases before you can't anymore, get swept up in the feeling of it all!
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