Internet Stalking 101.
A few months ago, I was at the theatre where I work, working the box office and watching the show, after which I proceeded to the lobby where the actors form a receiving line to thank people for coming out and watching the show. I knew most everyone, but one new person introduced themselves to me in the worst way possible. They said, "You're Megan, right?"
Are you kidding me?!
That was how they started. It wasn't preceded by a, "thanks for watching the show" or even a, "hi, my name is..." oh no! They just jumped straight in. Now, I'm not narcissistic enough to think that my buddies in the show talk about me a lot, but I'm sure they brought me up from time to time. Plus, I'm very active on the related social media pages. I like everything, I share a lot, I tag every person I can think of, I take lots of pictures, blah blah blah. I like the Facebook (I LOVE the Twitter) and I use it.
But there are rules! If we all just did what this person did, chaos would reign!
We all know that everyone else is a creeper and that we, ourselves, are creepers. But you never admit it! NEVER! You are not allowed to speak or carry on any sort of meaningful conversation with the victim of your Internet stalking skills--until you develop a real world relationship with them! You never admit that you've memorized their face from their Facebook profile picture and know them by name before you've ever met them. Holy crap, can you even imagine what that was like for me?! What if we all did that! Real world interactions would get so gross so fast!
To recap, this person said, "You're Megan, right?" and because I'm always gracious I replied, "Do I really need to confirm that? Sounds like you already know who I am somehow."
If you break the norms first, you better run son. I am not about to try and salvage a situation when you've gone and done that to me. Uh-uh.
When you meet someone you recognize from Facebook, whether you've full on clicked through their pictures and know their birthday and that their Mom is also on Facebook, or just seen their name in comments, you pretend to be shy or a mute. You say, "Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you." and you run! That is it for a first meeting! That may even be too much!
You can't let slip that you're a creep. You expose the rest of us when you do that!! Some things, like internet stalking, being naked, and farting, to name a few, are just better done in the privacy of your home. In general, you just don't want to be caught in the act. You don't want to accidentally double tap that picture and let slip to your ex-boyfriends girlfriend that you were looking at her IG. Not only is that a totally amateur move, but you get caught red-thumbed! They saw that! We get notifications about ev-er-y-thing! I mean. If you're scrolling through someone's page, scroll slowly. If you decide to stop on a particular picture or post get your hands away from your device! Put them behind your back like an observant museum goer if you must, put your shirt over your mouth and nose if you're a heavy breather, do whatever you have to and avoid accidentally revealing you're wandering around in someone else's online life.
And never, I repeat never ever, scare the hell out of someone by revealing that you know things about them before you've ever met them. Because where would we be without some internet creeping? Seriously, think about? Do you want to go back to an era of not knowing what your ex is up to? Who they're dating? How dead their eyes look in group photos? What your crush likes to put in a burrito? What all the cool girls wear on a daily basis? Not knowing things like this are the problems of a distant past, a dark and empty time we've long since left behind. Embrace this new reality your society has progressed into. But follow the damn rules!
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